I'm not worthy.

If you're 40+ and anything like me, you too love those old "Wayne's World" comedy sketches on Saturday Night Live and loved both movies just as much (yes, they made two movies and, no, they weren't stupid!). And, if we are even close to being on the same page at this point, you also have two distinct memories from those movies and sketches: #1 - Wayne, Garth and their band head-banging and singing to Bohemian Rhapsody in their Gremlin (you just sang "Mama Mia let him go..." - you're welcome); and #2 - Wayne and Garth hitting their knees and bowing to the ground chanting "we're not worthy," as they did in the video above to Alice Cooper, because he was a Rock God to them.

That second lasting memory from Wayne's World pretty much defines how I feel about anything I think God might want me to do - I'm not worthy. How could a seriously flawed guy like me be anywhere close to being worthy of doing anything for the God that created the universe. Has he seen me in Atlanta traffic yelling obscenities at other drivers? Granted, they can't drive and should be forced to ride MARTA, but that's not how someone who is supposed to love Jesus should act. Or how my life looks just as much in turmoil as non-believers when I'm supposed to shine some kind of light. That turmoil deems me "not worthy," right? I'm definitely "not worthy" to do something God wants me to do, which includes writing a blog, because this is, in fact, what God wants me to do.

My wife would most likely use this opportunity to interject something Pastor Brian Bloye said one time: "God is not interested your ability. He's looking for your availability." That little catchphrase, as good as it is, doesn't really speak to my particular issue... or does it?

Being "not worthy" has nothing to do with my "ability." I'm definitely able of sitting down and banging out some lines of text that are readable and not overly boring. And maybe, just maybe, I can put down something that someone out there will actually enjoy reading. So, if God is looking for my "ability," I'm good there.

It's my "availability" that has issues. I work all day, fight traffic all evening, just to come home, eat and watch a little TV (gotta catch up on my shows and clear off the ol' DVR). Then go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Sometimes there are even nights where I have family obligations and there's always something to do on the weekend (especially during college football season - Go Tigers!). Actually, last Sunday I was going to start writing again, but the Super Bowl was on. No, I didn't care about either team. Yes, it was the most boring Super Bowl of all time... even most of the commercials sucked. But, I had to watch it and cheer for not-the-Patriots, right?

In reality, all those excuses are created to mask my underlying feeling of not being worthy. I use the busy-ness of life to make me unavailable to do what God wants me to do because I don't live up to what a person on a mission for Jesus should look like.

Then again, maybe being worthy and living up to some unrealistic version of myself has nothing to do with following Jesus and doing something for Him. And maybe I'm attaching "worth" to the wrong entity.

The bottom line is, I will NEVER be worthy. But that doesn't matter. Because Jesus IS worthy. He's worthy of my time. He's worthy of my availability. He's worthy of using my abilities to do something for Him. And I should NEVER put the busy-ness of life above Him and use those things as an excuse to be unavailable for Him.

Pastor Brian's catchphrase might actually apply to me after all. I just needed to dig a little deeper. The reason God is not "interested in my ability" is because He already made me able to do what He wants me to do. He just wants me to deem Him worthy enough to make myself "available" to be used by Him.

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Video found on Youtube (https://youtu.be/jjaqrPpdQYc) posted by Traverse City Film Festival.